just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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