Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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