I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
