WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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