the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
