I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
