Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
