come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
