theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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