just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
