i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
