I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
