My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
