Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
