go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
