he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
