So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
