I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
