my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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