My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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