i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
