the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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