And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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