She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Randomize
