Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
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