just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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