Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
