You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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