if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
