Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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