my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
operation have a gay friend backfired
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
