If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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