i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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