Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
