Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
