I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
