I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
