Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize