question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
