Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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