i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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