I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
