I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
