Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
