still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
