I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
