So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize