you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
