you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
