At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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