He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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