My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
