her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
