the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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