I accidentally had phone sex last night
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
