either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize