3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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