Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
