Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
